🪵 Dopamine dating dudes

Hey everyone, 

Amidst the craziness of everyday life, I hope you all had a lovely holiday with loved ones last week. 

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Roots 🌱 

Something from me

I’ve been living in the suburbs of upstate New York for the last five ish months. And yes, I moved back into my mother’s house. Before that, I was traveling for a number of months and living in a ski town in Wyoming. Before before that, I lived in Boston, MA for three and a half years working at a startup. I don’t share that for any reason other than to offer a bit of insight as to where my headspace might be at this moment and the reason for having intrigue to share thoughts here each week.

That trajectory has a bit of everything. A real smörgåsbord of experiences to draw from during a period of absorbing and observing the varying worlds around me. As a now 27 year old dude, dating & relationships are obviously something that ebb and flow throughout those life experiences and present themselves in different ways.

A friend texted me this week asking “how many people is it reasonable to see at any given time?” For so many reasons I think this question perfectly encapsulates the world of dating that our generation has become accustomed to. This question implies that there may as well be an infinite number of people with which we could occupy our surface level needs of validation and feeling. And there really are an essentially infinite number when living in some of the biggest cities in the US.

For our generation, relationship insecurity or stagnation are only a dopamine-induced swipe away from being minimized. Or a witty prompt response depending on your preference. Living in Boston, I became accustomed to dating as a constant rather than a means to an end of finding someone I felt secure to be with long term. A date could go well and I’d still be left wondering if the grass is greener with someone else. This led to a mind-boggling merry-go-round of drinks, good dates, awkward conversation and shame. Shame in feeling that I’m simultaneously far too picky and also not good enough for whomever ideal I thought was out there.

And with shame comes the antithesis of vulnerability and meaningful connection. Within the confines of shame dudes do what it takes to hide their perceived shortcomings; we may not feel that we make/have enough money, we may worry that our own family dynamics might put others off, we worry about getting burned down the road, we romanticize previous relationships and so on and so forth. All valid to each individual and also not unique to any of us. The shame borne out of abundance hides in the shadows and prevents us from seeing our actual desired outcome with clarity.

Transition that dating life to a small ski town and that dynamic changes drastically. All the sudden the size of the dating pool is more than halved and online dating abundance gives way to in person meetup scarcity. Within that scarcity, a shift occurred where I lost interest in the merry-go-round. Perhaps it was adjustment to the environment. Or perhaps when the option of abundance is removed, what remains is your actual preference. A preference more aligned with our basic human needs: to be seen, to be heard, to be felt, and to develop a meaningful connection with an other.

This change brought huge reprieve to the way my brain had been wired to situationships as the norm in Boston. And I think in that wake, I see the toll that that can have on our collective psyche and our generation. Our dating attention spans have grown to be more aligned with TikTok reels rather than the attention, intention, and work that is required to cultivate something of substance like any other relationship.

Needless to say I had thoughts to send back to the friend that posed this question. And have shared similar ones in the past 🙂 

Trunk 🪵 

How we grow

On practices recommended to guys just starting therapy:

I’ve become increasingly interested in the link between our mental state and the effect on our physical bodies. In many ways, they’re one in the same. I think that we’re only just realizing that as a society because we first had to call out the importance of our mental wellbeing as it’s own thing.

Personally, I always felt attuned to what my body told me growing up and trusted those feelings. Before I got woke to all of these aforementioned practices, I always knew that going for a run, getting out in nature, etc. allowed me to reset or recalibrate my mental state.

For dudes just starting to flip the proverbial emotional lightswitch, starting with practices that tune in to your body makes a lot of sense. Comfort in your own self makes the leap to call a homie and check in that much more palatable.

Branches 🌲 

Something from you

Huge thanks to Parth out in San Francisco for his kind words and willingness to share a personal note:

Leaves 🍃 

Something to leave you with

Vox - The Case for Inviting Everyone to Everything

• Great read. You know the friend that always wants to get others involved? That has a knack for bringing people together? They get it 🤝 

New York State - The Nation's First Ambassador to Loneliness

• I’ve written in the past about the UK’s first minister of loneliness. Cool to see New York State following suit 🙂 

The Cost of Progress - The Kid’s Aren’t Alright

• The inspiration for this week’s post comes from this post/newsletter. Highly recommend the read and the subscribe for any finance oriented Thinking Loggers. Cool to see others writing about similar topics and presenting the data behind it 🤔 

The goal of this blog is to learn a ton and to help others do the same.

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I’m stoked to have you here and talk soon!

Greg

Wind 🌬️ 

What I’m listening to

Do be wrapped szn. Here’s my shout for chune of the year 🥰 

Be advised not to be seated whilst listening:

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