🪵Pondering hookup culture

Hey everyone,

I failed to mention last week that the brains behind operation keep or drop the “The” from The Thinking Log came from Dan H. in Philadelphia, PA - thanks for posing the question, Dan.

The decision to keep or drop the “The” has been hotly contested, but it’s not too late! As it stands at the time of writing, the score is tied.

If you feel strongly, the polls will remain open for you to send a response to this week’s post. Extra consideration given to those that provide a reason for keeping or dropping the “The.”

Cheers!

Roots 🌱 

Something from me

I’ve written previously about how my parent’s divorce created a fear that limited my comfort in romantic relationships. And while I’ve done plenty of work to chip away at that fear, I often reflect on periods of intimacy in college and post-grad-city-life-hinge-dating where that inability was influenced by another source: I was irrationally fearful of being with only one woman for my whole life (like my dad was for much of his) so needed to “experience” everything I could.

In college, being single afforded me that opportunity. I became the perfect candidate to enroll in the institution that is hookup culture. The prevailing narrative available to college-aged dudes is such that quantity supersedes quality of romantic interaction. Aka it’s cooler to have more sex, rather than have better sex. And, yes, it may be fun (safely & with consent) in the moment, but in the quest for “experience,” it can also give rise to the shame of wondering what’s wrong with yourself when things fizzle out, bereft of emotional intimacy.

In the post-grad world, I’ve felt that hookup culture hides under the veil of dating apps and a larger dating pool. With check of the box criteria, apps make it seem like the perfect partner might actually exist. And with that expectation in place, it becomes really easy to let the hope of perfect cloud the reality of great. And so shame persists in the form of self-doubt.

I think for all genders, hookup culture can be fun and exciting. However, growing up as a guy, we aren’t provided the language to speak positively about sex or emotions in general. In fact, up until recently, it’s been actively discouraged. In the absence of language, hookup culture also perpetuates underlying societal norms and personal anxieties towards intimacy like it has for me in some instances. It takes intention and active thought for someone like myself to realize that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

Perhaps in this moment of change, future conceptions of male identity will be less about being a manly man and more about being a decent human being who embraces all of their emotions, not just boasts their strengths.

Trunk 🪵 

How we grow

As this counselor alluded to, understanding the inputs of fear is an important skill to create safe space, especially for guys just starting therapy.

More broadly, language is an essential tool for creating trust and comfort by breaking through fear towards vulnerability. As this counselor and I mentioned above, when it comes to talking about sex and romance, shame is a real factor for men. Particularly straight men. Guys are stuck between a rock and a hard place (no pun intended) and don’t have the language/permission to have an open dialogue about their feelings.

On one hand, historical norms dictate that guys should just know how to behave intimately and on the other hand, future ideals allow the possibility of self-expression rooted in emotional awareness and communication. However, without the language to lean towards future ideals, historical norms stunt communication and the possibility of meaningful connection withers away.

Branches 🌲 

Something from you

Anyone agree with this? Thanks to Charlie in New York, NY for sharing:

Hannah in Washington, DC with the best case for keeping the “The” I’ve heard yet! Hard to argue with this:

Leaves 🍃 

Something to leave you with

LinkedIn - Expectations of Men in College

• Thanks to Ethan in Washington, DC for sharing some inspiration for this week’s post.

• And thanks to Hannah in Austin, TX for bringing language to this topic through storytelling! Check out Hannah’s insightful podcast on storytelling and masculinity here.

Instagram - Mental health in football (and in life)

• Whether you follow football (soccer) or not, breath of fresh air to hear a coach speak like this. Great model of empathetic leadership. Also, Come On You Spurs.

Hookup Culture Hurts Guys Too

• Complement to the Roots this week. Longer read but presents a great overview of the state of hookup culture. Didn’t expect a lyrical reference from Morgan Wallen!

The goal of this blog is to learn a ton and to help others do the same.

Your feedback is always welcome, and if there’s a topic that you want to hear more about, please contact me or fill out this quick survey!

• Twitter: twitter.com/gregmilnarik

• Survey: forms.gle/Mbg5xaHmw8JKriFo8

If you enjoyed the read or found it thought provoking, I’d be grateful for you to share it with one other person who might as well by sharing the subscribe button below.

I’m stoked to have you here and talk soon!

Greg

Wind 🌬️ 

What I’m listening to

Greg in Boston, MA shared this song to me saying, “this is most you song of all time.”

Something about being seen through music is wildly flattering.

If you’re looking for a new form of compliment, 10/10 would recommend.

Want to Help Build The Thinking Log?