🪵 Oh we talking attachment styles??

Hey everyone, 

The Thinking Log community has grown quite a bit over the last few weeks. Maybe it was the LinkedIn post or the Guest Posts from fellow Thinking Loggers 🤷

Regardless, I’m grateful to gather here once a week. For anyone old or new, reminder that this anonymous survey has space for suggestions and feedback of what you’d like to learn more about. 

Feel like I’ve shared a lot of observations in recent weeks and less of my inner monologue. Back to regular scheduled programming :) 

Enjoy! 🪵

Roots 🌱 

Something from me

Attachment styles are a hot topic right now. Especially for people in their twenties and thirties hoping to learn more about how they relate to other people, specifically in the context of dating. 

Your closest girl friend likely mentioned attachment styles to you in the past few months, maybe even some of the homies over a couple Coors Lights. If you haven’t already, I’d encourage taking the quiz as it’s another helpful tool to develop greater self awareness.

I’ve written previously about some reflections on dating but it occurred to me this week I didn’t lend some more insight into some of the barriers I’ve faced within myself along the way. Namely, bringing awareness to my own attachment style and how that shows up in different areas of my life. 

I’ll preface first with attachment in my relationships with friends and family. Oddly enough, those are hugely secure. And for that I am so grateful. Likely that stems from having one model or parent with which was foundationally secure growing up and a support system within family & close friends that showed up over time. For that reason, it’s easy for me to open up to others (evidently), support and be supported and ultimately evolve with the people closest in my life. 

Introducing romance into the attachment equation complicates things for me. I’ve found it’s easy to be hard on myself and attribute my relationship insecurities to fear of intimacy and abandonment often exhibited in children of divorced parents. More recently, I’m learning that those things aren’t so much what define my experience with relationships, but rather hurdles along the way. I’ve had to call that out and see what it looks like to know that when intimacy progresses quickly, my avoidance kicks in. When I give myself the space to move more slowly and get to know someone more intimately, I experience less of the avoidant Greg and more of the secure friendship and family Greg. And that’s a version of me I much prefer.

Amidst my own experiences, I’ve come to learn that male identified peeps tend to show up as avoidant in romantic relationships. Not for the same reasons as me necessarily, but often as a result of avoidance of their own emotional state. Avoidance can so easily manifest as shutting down or not expressing your feelings to the fullest. And generally speaking, dudes are great at “pushing through” and “moving on” thanks to cultural norms of male expression. And I wonder if that gives rise to a lot of the anxious attachment exhibited by their would be suitors? Fascinating!

Trunk 🪵 

How we grow

On the support-seeking process for men:

Related to attachment styles and developing space for emotion. Before you can show up in a relationship with emotional vulnerability, a great place to practice is with friends! Any friends in general, but starting with guys might feel like the safest.

In my experience, it takes a leap to open up about something and more often than not, others admire the trust and vulnerability shown to discuss something of substance. I think it’s exceedingly rare for that sort of sharing to be shut down. Which is cool. Sounds like collective growth! 

Branches 🌲 

Something from you

Lots of support and kind words for Ethan in Washington, DC’s guest post last week. You can give that a read here if you missed it.

With the recent increase in seats on The Thinking Log, thought it’d be good to use this space for two reminders:

• If you’re interested in writing a guest post, please feel free to reach out by replying to this email or dolphin diving into the Twitter DM’s. 

• If you’d like to share anonymous feedback on what you’ve read thus far or have things you’d like to learn more about, respond to this 1-minute survey.

Thanks, legends!

Leaves 🍃 

Something to leave you with

Tottenham’s Richarlison has gone from misfit to goal machine – what has changed?

• Worth the read! Thanks to Greg in Boston, MA for sharing.

• “I’m from a small town, and it can be a bit like, ‘I’m not gonna do this therapy thing ’cause I’m not crazy’. Because some people from the countryside have this pre-conception, my family has it.”

Gender Differences in Attachment Anxiety and Avoidance and Association with Therapy

• Fascinating read tbh. Recent study looking at gendered attachment styles in student aged populations and its effect on going to therapy or not.

• “Campaigns to increase therapy use among men should integrate these findings… practitioners should consider and address their male clients’ attachment organization due to an increased risk of psychotherapy dropout in avoidantly attached men.” 🤔

“Me and the Boys cooking up a name for the group chat in 2015”

• Gave me a chuckle. Not not accurate!

The goal of this blog is to learn a ton and to help others do the same.

Your feedback is always welcome, and if there’s a topic that you want to hear more about, please contact me or fill out this quick survey!

• Twitter: twitter.com/gregmilnarik

• Survey: forms.gle/Mbg5xaHmw8JKriFo8

If you enjoyed the read or found it thought provoking, I’d be grateful for you to share it with one other person who might as well by sharing the subscribe button below.

I’m stoked to have you here and talk soon!

Greg

Wind 🌬️ 

What I’m listening to

Big fan of the beats that you can both work to or have a boogie. This comes to mind:

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