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🪵Looking in the Mirror
Setting a boundary, sense of self, and some words to live by
Greg Milnarik
September 07, 2023
Hey everyone,
Really grateful for all the new subscribers joining The Thinking Log community this week.
To only write on The Log for a month, reaching almost 200 subscribers feels pretty cool. One fellow logger said this week that they felt comforted reading the newsletter. That gave me life!
Thank you for support and words of encouragement 🙂
Roots (something from me)
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, there’s a lot to unpack with my dad. For starters, I hadn’t spoken to him in almost three years until earlier this summer.
In 2020, I was so overwhelmed by his narcissistic behavior that separation became more appealing than the status quo. As time went on, and I started going to therapy, I learned that the stress in my body had responded to the fear that my mind had not yet come to terms with: I was terrified of being like my dad. Not like “oh ha I'm scared of spiders hehe,” I mean like proper, proper fear.
This past fall, my therapist encouraged me to use getting laid off, moving to Wyoming for the winter, and farming in France for the spring as a time to intentionally separate myself from my dad. Rather than just reacting to external stimuli, this proactive shift brought a control of the relationship into my own hands that I had not previously known.
More importantly, choosing to do things I’ve always had an immense interest in reaffirmed my sense of self and identity. An identity fundamentally different to that of my dad. Traveling solo, making new friends, even just being kind to strangers made me feel like I was really learning about Greg and what makes me me.
That learning is of course a lifelong process, but upon return home at the beginning of the summer, it felt like an okay time to re-engage with my dad. With a renewed sense of self, a growing awareness of boundaries, and a practice of radical acceptance to guide my expectations, a new chapter of our relationship may slowly start to reveal itself.
Trunk (how we grow)
On guys learning more about their emotions:
Someone who's connected to these types of things can make you such a strong person, it can be a superpower. Getting into a better relationship with themselves will help them [be more introspective]. An external focus on outside stimuli - video games for example - creates an inability to turn inward and know inner stimuli, what's going on with me! Inside of me…
A superpower! Heard chef. I had the chance to catch up with one of my oldest friends a couple weeks ago over a few adult sodas and corn chowder. Naturally, masculinity came up as a topic of conversation and specifically the stigma associated with being a guy who’s in touch with their emotions.
For many, it’s viewed as weak, lame, or even undesirable to the proverbial mate one might try to attract. Weird, right? We couldn’t help but feel good about what we we’ve learned about ourselves at this age and excited about how much we still have to learn.
And as this counselor so eloquently pointed out, tapping in to a new part of oneself, especially for guys, can lead to huge benefits day to day. The question becomes how to allow permission for dudes to look inward, or in my case mentioned above, overcome the fear of what you might find by looking inward.
Branches (something from you)
Big ups to a Thinking Logger in Boston, MA for the flattering and thoughtful bit of feedback here:
Howdy Greg! I’ve been following along and just officially subscribed (apologies for the tardiness). I’m a big fan for a couple reasons: 1. Because I’ve always respected and admired you. 2. Because I know I can only learn by reading along to your thoughts and the community’s reactions. 3. Because some of the people I care about most have discussed the benefits of therapy for them and I feel that as my stress levels in life rise, I would undoubtedly benefit, and so I want to better understand my inherent objections/feet dragging.
P.s. Up from a Dream by HAIM slaps so I loved seeing you shout it out. I thought I’d share that in a similar musical vein, I find LÉON’s music (Die for You, The Beach, etc) is also gas, but more importantly is music I find to be particularly impactful in generating self reflection about the emotions I’m having and the emotions women in my life are having. Would be curious if others felt the same?
Anyone feel the same about LÉON? Or about another artist? I hadn’t listened to LÉON before but now I see the vision - a mix of Adele and HAIM.
Leaves (something to leave you with)
Please Read: “For years people thought the best thing you could do for a lonely person is to give them support. Actually, we found that it’s about receiving and also giving back. So the best thing you can do for someone who is lonely is not to give them help but ask them for help. So you give them a sense of worth and a chance to be altruistic. Even if we’re getting the best care, we still feel lonely if we can’t give something back. The care is extremely valuable but it’s not enough.”
So obvious and yet this blew my mind. Words to love live by amirite?
A quick (and thoughtful!) read on how to reframe the benefits of therapy. Think gym but like, your brain 🙇‍♂️🏋️‍♂️
Thanks to Alex in New York, NY for sending. Adding this to the podcast queue.
The goal of this blog is to learn a ton and to help others do the same.
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I’m stoked to have you here and talk soon!
Greg
In My Ear:
A Thinking Logger recommends, I listen! Can confirm this does in fact slap.
