Thanks again to everyone who’s subscribed and reached out with feedback. At the time of writing, over 100 other people have taken a seat on The Thinking Log with you. Or they just hit me with the sympathy subscribe. Either way, I’m grateful you’re here.

Special shoutout to Evan T. in South Carolina for his words of support:

Ditto, Evan. In today’s blog, I’ll share something from my life, the first thing I learned from interviews with therapists, and who else is talking about this.

Something From Me

My parents got divorced when I was six.

My dad wasn’t entirely absent afterwards, but he wasn’t exactly present either. Amongst many other things, his narcissistic tendencies have kept his ability to build a meaningful connection with our fam at an arm's length.

But this post isn’t about his absence. It’s about the presence of a non-traditional figure of masculinity: my mother.

My mom played the role of mother and father. She nurtured and disciplined. She was soccer mom and head chef. Leader and listener.

My mom modeled a sense of masculinity that was rooted less in physical presence and more in internal values. Two values my mom repeats to this day that have shaped part of my “masculinity:”

“Everyone has their shit.”

“You never know what’s going on behind closed doors.”

What’s served me most as a dude (so far) is leading with these thoughts, leading with empathy, and being there to hold space for another, whomever that may be. Maybe it doesn't just take a father to model masculinity, but someone who understands what it means to show up for another human, like my mom.

(My mom hates when I swear so she won’t be stoked about me quoting her doing the same.)

Something From Therapists

The most common challenge observed with male identified clients is that they require safe space to open up.

This reflects one of the stereotypical characteristics of socialized masculinity: stoicism, or the endurance of pain or hardship without the display of feelings and without complaint.

To bridge the gap to men, we have to meet them where they are. And understand that that safe space comes from the same place of empathy as understanding that everyone has their shit.

Maybe we can be a dude/bro/homie/king and be empathetic.

Maybe we can talk about sports and talk about therapy.

Maybe we just need to be given permission to lean into our feelings.

And maybe, traditional models of masculinity limit what dudes are allowed to bring to the table in 2023. Just ask Ken.

Greg’s Goodreads

• Men are lost. Here’s a map out of the wilderness. 

  • Comprehensive and balanced overview of the current state of masculinity. GREAT read.

  • Christine Emba, Washington Post (10 minute read)

• APA issues first-ever guidelines for practice with men and boys

  • “And if psychologists can focus on supporting men in breaking free of masculinity rules that don’t help them, the effects could spread beyond just mental health for men, McDermott says. “If we can change men, we can change the world.””

  • American Psychological Association (5 minute read)

The goal of this blog is to learn a ton and to help others do the same.

Your feedback is always welcome, and if there’s a topic that you want to hear more about, please contact me or fill out this quick survey!

• Twitter: twitter.com/gregmilnarik

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I’m grateful (and stoked!) to have you here.

Talk soon,

Greg

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