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šŖµ Calling vs. scrolling
Living to 100, guest posts from one of you, and your network
Greg Milnarik
November 09, 2023
Hey everyone,
Officially three months writing on The Thinking Log. Thanks to over 200 fellow Thinking Loggers for tagging along on these weekly thoughts.
This started out with a hope for sharing what I learn about mental wellness, loneliness, and community through the lens of masculinity as a 20 somethings dude. That still feels true, itās also been a fascinating way to connect with friends old & new, nudge myself to grow, and think critically at least once a week. Borat voice Very nice!
If youāre new here, add your email to ensure that you receive the next Log in your inbox, and if you want to read more of my posts, check out the archive here!
Cheers š
Roots š±
Something from me
Iāve written about what community looks like in my family in the past. When I wrote that Log ~2 months ago, my Great Aunt Liza had just passed away at the age of 104. She was born in 1919ā¦ 1919! Sadly, this week our extended family said goodbye to Aunt Lizaās sister and our last Great Aunt, Mary. Mary turned 100 earlier this year... 100!
From what I hear from my own aunts, Mary and Liza could not have been more different in terms of personality. Mary, boisterous and never shy with what she felt, and Liza, grounded and empathetic to all around her. Despite their differences and old age, for the last ~20 years of their lives, Mary and Liza spoke to each other on the phone every day. Often multiple times per day! Discussing what I would imagine to be everything from the Yankees and the family to the Bible and how they feel about old age.
Left to Right: Aunt Mary, Aunt Liza, Aunt Dorothy, & my Grandma (2016)
Although, from a different generation, Aunt Mary and Aunt Lizaās sense of belonging and unwavering connectedness throughout their lives is cause for reflection. In my generation, our definition of connectedness has changed thanks to technology. In that change, intention has been called into question. Comparing the intention of connection of my great aunts to our generation is to compare picking up the phone to call someone everyday versus opening Instagram and having a scroll for 30 minutes every two hours. One feels deep and supportive, the other feels surface-level and isolating.
I realize thatās unfair in that we can only play the hand weāre dealt, but it doesnāt mean we canāt bring awareness to what greater intention for connection looks like. Undoubtedly we all strive for relationships where we can pick up the phone and call at any given time, and thereās also a limit for how many of those we can even maintain. For men specifically, thatās harder than it sounds. Discussions of personal feelings, perceived shortcomings, and vulnerabilities isnāt how weāre wired. Even just picking up the phone to check in on someone can feel like an affront to our own strength.
Perhaps the habit of showing up as your whole self, compounded over time, instills more benefit in our lives than we can actually imagine. And perhaps if I want to live to 104, Iāll want to do more than just scratch the surface when I pick up the phone to call the homies for the next 77 years.
Trunk šŖµ
How we grow
š§ Under Construction š§
Please reply with a preference for this section moving forward if so compelled:
Research more notes/soundbites from therapists sourced from the world wide
Continue with my own therapist interviews and include questions from the Thinking Log community
Open the āTrunkā to community input where Loggers can share their own stories either anonymously or include first name/location
Some other input that Iām not thinking of that you feel would be a great substitute for this section
Questions to get you thinking:
What do you think is missing from the world?
Why should we care about what we all have to say in this space?
Branches š²
Something from you
Huge, huge thanks to a Thinking Logger and āall round good guyā in New York, NY who wrote in with a lil guest post after last weekās Log:
Long time reader, first time writer.
I'm not sure where this would be applicable in your newsletter but it was a realization that I had that very much helped me process being OK with going to therapy and what that represents. Wanted to share.
I feel like a lot of people (I could be wrong as a generalization, but my own perspective) feel that by going to therapy you're admitting you have a deep seated issue that needs to be "fixed." That feels BIG and could potentially keep people from dipping their toe in the therapy waters.
I like to think of therapy as more casual in nature. It's a conversation to voice concerns or feelings you have in your life. The neutral perspective simply listening can provide comfort that your thoughts are valid, fair, or in my case, potentially an overreaction or overthinking that could cause unneeded anxiety or stress. I don't believe I've ever uncovered core, massive childhood trauma in therapy sessions - and in turn worked through those at a deep level with a therapist. BUT, I've had wonderful conversations with therapists at a personal level where they acknowledge my feelings, my perspective on where the root of my anxiety/stress is coming from, and often help show me that I'm looking at my own life through an overly introspective lens. Often I can create a bigger focus on my own actions/thoughts than what the outside world (what I am often concerned with) would ever recognize.
I wonder if more people had the outlook that they are simply having a conversation with a new friend, would more people be open to the valuable experience? A non-judgemental and interested friend with no true background on your life. That's powerful - talk about what you need to get off your chest in an effort to feel better about your life. I think it can be that simple, but everyone should feel free to go deeper if they choose. I have and itās quite honestly been very impactful for me to just understand where my feelings are coming from.
My therapist recently said to me: "We can keep having sessions and I'd love to continue the conversation, but from my perspective I feel like you're doing great. It can often be harmful to "look" for issues (deep seated or not), so if you feel good, I'm certainly OK with pausing our chats."
I thought that was really cool of her, and also a great perspective.
Big picture - I love therapy and dive in when I feel uncomfortable or anxious. I've had big things to talk about and small. But regardless, I always feel better coming out of the conversation. Sometimes all it takes to reduce anxiety is voicing the concerns in your life. They often feel much smaller afterwards.
Those are my thoughts for the day - keep crushing it my friend.
Agreed!
Leaves š
Something to leave you with
Longer read, great nonetheless. Reminds me of āThe Defining Decadeā except less fear-mongering, more matter of fact.
Thanks to Sebastien in New York, NY for sharing this listen. Not the typical self-help listen standard to Rich Rollās podcasts, but really appreciated the guests objective view of his world and the ups and downs of his life. And recognizing there is still work to do!
Research findings on the links between these three factors. Itās dense but there are plenty of interesting soundbites from interviewed participants. Also nice use of the word āmate.ā
The goal of this blog is to learn a ton and to help others do the same.
Your feedback is always welcome, and if thereās a topic that you want to hear more about, please contact me or fill out this quick survey!
Twitter: twitter.com/gregmilnarik
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If you enjoyed the read or found it thought provoking, Iād be grateful for you to share it with one other person who might as well by forwarding this email to one other human.
Iām stoked to have you here and talk soon!
Greg
Wind š¬ļø
What Iām listening to
Listen loud with headphones or on a speaker! Uplift! Boogie! Feel yes.
