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šŖµ Like the great Akon once said
Feeling lonely, the power of we, and an ask for you all
Greg Milnarik
October 05, 2023
Hey everyone,
This is post number ten on The Thinking Log. Ten weeks in and I must say itās really turning into a fun project.
Inspired by fellow Loggers ideas, my mind races with thoughts to get actual āThinking Logsā in public spaces or cities that signal anyone who sits down is happy to strike up conversation or actively listen to someone else. Long way to go!
Back in reality, Iām bummed to say we didnāt add any new Thinkers to the Log last week. That said, I have no shame in humbly asking once more for you all to think of just one other human to share this link with:
Copy & Paste to the homies: https://thethinkinglog.beehiiv.com/subscribe
It would be lovely to get others involved. And have some more updates on that coming soon!
Roots š±
Something from me
Social isolation and loneliness are related, but they are not the same. Social isolation is objectively having few social relationships, social roles, group memberships, and infrequent social interaction. On the other hand, loneliness is a subjective internal state. Itās the distressing experience that results from perceived isolation or unmet need between an individualās preferred and actual social experience.
Loneliness is a curious topic. As outlined in that definition, similar to many internal experiences or dialogues, loneliness ebbs and flows and can be difficult to identify as it lingers in the background of our emotions. Loneliness is also subjective and we all experience it in different ways, with varying levels of severity.
Iām still learning about what loneliness looks like for me. Iām also learning that I feel the most lonely when I have a need for connection (not like that) that goes unmet. As someone who really takes pride in the level of social connection I try to maintain with family and friends, the unmet need for connection, or the absence of it, can feel even more heavy.
For example, Iām currently living back home in my momās house. I chose to move home in an effort to work on something without the expense of rent and Iām immensely grateful to be able to do that. I accept the situation I find myself in and know I can make a change if needed, but that doesnāt take away from the fact that my friends and I are in a transitional moment of life. Our vehicles of connection - weekend trips, weeknight dinners, impromptu facetimes - require more intention as we move in with girlfriends (or moms), move out to new cities and begin new chapters of our adult life.
In this moment, that I briefly touched on last week, I can't help but feel that emotional awareness and stigma are inextricably linked to the health of my own social connections (the homies) and thereby my wellbeing down the road. Perhaps itās at this age that so many guys see the cracks in their social infrastructure start to form due to an inability to confront their own discomfort and a fear of how it looks/feels to be disconnected.
Loneliness being the elusive experience that it is, requires education and language before we as dudes/people can recognize that we are in fact momentarily feeling lonely. Without that acceptance, that lonely moment runs the risk of becoming a lonely norm. Awareness is a great start, however because of stigma, so often taking the leap to actually say āIām feeling lonelyā is stunted because it might be perceived as weak, lame, or too vulnerable.
An example comment Iāve heard recently is, āOh they donāt want to hear from me, no one wants to hear about being lonely!ā I can assure you, because everyone has felt lonely at one point, everyone would welcome the chance to support someone who is feeling lonely, especially if they're willing to admit it.
On the other side of stigma, lies a maintenance of a lonely status quo OR a path toward more meaningful connection through vulnerability.
Trunk šŖµ
How we grow
On how men are capable of more:
āAll men are capable. You can be societyās image of a douchebag, but be hugely emotionally capable on the inside. For example, my sonās group of friends are super tight and communicative - together for a long time. He's been asking me specifically about these things and about what one of their friends who's depressed can do to get out of his room, to work, etc.. What's fascinating to me is that he's asking for his friend and he and the rest of the group are going to do something about it together. They want to prevent him from falling out of the groupā¦ The power of we is real.ā
The power of we IS real. I appreciated this therapistās anecdote over analysis as it models a lesson that I hope everyone can relate to in some way.
Itās not dissimilar to what we learn in kindergarten. Treating others, friends or strangers, the way weād like to be treated is something thatās taught at an early age and then forgotten.
Surely thereās a way to weave education on social connection throughout our life rather than it be a one and done lesson before weāre even aware of what a lesson actually means.
Branches š²
Something from you
Thanks to Grace in San Francisco, CA for her thoughts on last weekās Log and willingness to share:
Love this one!! You hit the nail on the head: "alcohol provides the social lubricant to build connection in the absence of self-awareness and intimacy." As I stopped drinking I realized I had to confront so many emotions, relationships and realities that I thought had been hiding or ignoring with "a good time." But those sober feelings would always come out in uncontrollable ways when I was under the influence. I realized that alcohol was a crutch for loose connections and only real ones could be made without "beer goggles." I will say though, the dancing and starting those initial friendly connections is easier with alcohol in the short run ā it took a long time to truly let go and not care what people think of my ridiculousness when I'm sober :)
I love it!
And a big thanks to this anonymous Thinking Logger with some kind feedback via The Thinking Log survey:
Greg, really loving this. Keep it up. I look forward to opening your email every week. I am used to opening up an email to learn about the news or trends in the finance world and your blog is different. When I read your post each week it helps me think about my perception on life and compassion. You provide a connection through your story telling of your personal life and journey and also leave us something to take away (the trunk). I believe your blog will have more positive impacts than you could have imagined. So thank you and keep it up!
I closed mouth grinned at this š
Leaves š
Something to leave you with
Absolutely fascinating read that explores Hannah Arendtās theories of loneliness. Might have to continue in next weekās post.
Quick read and honestly just great tools for life š¤·
From āThe Holistic Psychologistā who generally has a lot of good, tangible posts for learning more about this whole life thing
Donāt fully agree with the macro loneliness impact though I do certainly agree that weāve gotten too materialistic for our own good
The goal of this blog is to learn a ton and to help others do the same.
Gentle nudge to share with one other person š
Copy & Paste to the homies pt. II: https://thethinkinglog.beehiiv.com/subscribe
Iām stoked to have you here and talk soon!
Greg
Wind š¬ļø
What Iām listening to
Hadnāt heard this in a minute! š
